1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,680
Hello? Hey Rob, Steve.

2
00:00:03,680 --> 00:00:05,320
Oh, hiya, how are you? Good, good.

3
00:00:05,320 --> 00:00:09,960
Listen, are you
free next week to go away? Where?

4
00:00:09,960 --> 00:00:12,200
It's a tour of the north,
a restaurant tour,

5
00:00:12,200 --> 00:00:13,600
really good restaurants.

6
00:00:13,600 --> 00:00:15,680
Right. Why me?

7
00:00:15,680 --> 00:00:17,760
Mischa can't come
and I don't want to go alone.

8
00:00:17,760 --> 00:00:23,240
I've asked other people
but they're all too busy.

9
00:00:23,240 --> 00:00:27,320
It's a job. I'm not asking you go on
holiday with me or anything weird.

10
00:00:27,320 --> 00:00:28,880
It's for The Observer magazine.

11
00:00:28,880 --> 00:00:31,520
So, you know, do you want to come?

12
00:00:31,520 --> 00:00:34,560
This programme contains
strong language.

13
00:00:39,720 --> 00:00:42,120
Are you Steve Coogan? Yes, I am.

14
00:00:42,120 --> 00:00:43,840
A-ha! A-ha.

15
00:00:43,840 --> 00:00:48,040
All right mate, how you doing?
Fine, thanks. Listen,
do us a favour, would you?

16
00:00:48,040 --> 00:00:50,920
Can you sign that? Yes, of course.
Make it out to Paul. OK.

17
00:00:50,920 --> 00:00:55,320
Can I ask you a question?
Yes, of course, absolutely.

18
00:00:55,320 --> 00:00:58,640
Is it true, what I read about you?
And what do you read about me?

19
00:00:58,640 --> 00:01:01,240
That you're a bit of a cunt.

20
00:01:01,240 --> 00:01:04,640
Well, where did you read that?
Well, it's in today's newspaper.

21
00:01:06,880 --> 00:01:09,800
Here, look. Whoever said that doesn't
know me very well.

22
00:01:09,800 --> 00:01:11,320
Are you sure?

23
00:01:18,680 --> 00:01:20,640
What? A-ha!

24
00:01:20,640 --> 00:01:24,400
"Coogan is a cunt", says dad.
Cunt.

25
00:01:36,640 --> 00:01:42,560
Did you not sleep well or something?
No. I couldn't get off
because of the food

26
00:01:42,560 --> 00:01:48,120
and then when I did get off,
I was having awful dreams,
really bad dreams.

27
00:01:48,120 --> 00:01:49,640
Blue cheese.

28
00:01:49,640 --> 00:01:52,960
Coleridge was a poor sleeper.

29
00:01:52,960 --> 00:01:57,800
I was reading his poem
called The Pains of Sleep. Mmm.

30
00:01:57,800 --> 00:02:03,880
"Sleep, the wide blessing, seemed
to me distemper's worst calamity."

31
00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:08,720
Yes. "The third night, when
my own loud scream had waked me
from the fiendish dream,

32
00:02:08,720 --> 00:02:16,440
"o'ercome with suffering strange and
wild, I wept as I had been a child".

33
00:02:16,440 --> 00:02:19,080
Yes, no, I know that.
That's the drugs.

34
00:02:19,080 --> 00:02:20,920
What? Coleridge, the opium.

35
00:02:20,920 --> 00:02:23,000
He was a big druggie.

36
00:02:23,000 --> 00:02:24,200
Oh, yeah, yeah.

37
00:02:28,240 --> 00:02:31,120
You could have a costume drama here,
couldn't you?

38
00:02:31,120 --> 00:02:32,360
I would love...

39
00:02:32,360 --> 00:02:37,480
Mel Gibson coming over the hill.
I would just love to do
a costume drama in these hills,

40
00:02:37,480 --> 00:02:40,240
vaulting over dry stone walls
with a scabbard,

41
00:02:40,240 --> 00:02:43,480
a dead look in my eyes
because I've seen so many horrors.

42
00:02:43,480 --> 00:02:47,240
And they always say something
like, "Gentlemen, to bed.

43
00:02:47,240 --> 00:02:50,200
"Gentlemen, to bed for
we leave at first light.

44
00:02:50,200 --> 00:02:51,960
"Tomorrow we battle...

45
00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:54,640
"...and we may love our lives,

46
00:02:54,640 --> 00:02:59,520
"but remember death is but a moment.

47
00:02:59,520 --> 00:03:02,640
"Cowardice is a lifetime
of affliction." Nice.

48
00:03:02,640 --> 00:03:06,160
"To bed, for we rise at daybreak!"

49
00:03:06,160 --> 00:03:12,440
Very good, very impressive. Always
leave at daybreak, don't they?
They never leave at, you know, 9.30.

50
00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:16,480
"Gentlemen, to bed,
for we leave at 9.30."

51
00:03:16,480 --> 00:03:18,080
Ish. Ish.

52
00:03:18,080 --> 00:03:21,720
"Gentlemen, to bed,
for we rise at...

53
00:03:21,720 --> 00:03:26,000
"What time's the battle?"
"About, oh, 12 o'clock". Yes.

54
00:03:26,000 --> 00:03:27,960
"Right. 12 o'clock...

55
00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:29,920
"On horseback, about three hours?

56
00:03:31,120 --> 00:03:35,720
"So we leave about eight, 8-8.30?"

57
00:03:35,720 --> 00:03:37,880
8.30 for nine. Yes.

58
00:03:37,880 --> 00:03:41,800
"Gentlemen, to bed,
for we leave at 8.30 for nine

59
00:03:41,800 --> 00:03:46,120
"and we rise at just after daybreak,
7.30, so just after daybreak.

60
00:03:46,120 --> 00:03:50,440
"Gentlemen, to bed for we
leave at 9.30 on the dot."

61
00:03:50,440 --> 00:03:53,240
"On the dot." Do you want
to have a run, sire?

62
00:03:53,240 --> 00:03:56,280
Yes. Just to loosen up, sire. Yes.

63
00:03:56,280 --> 00:04:00,760
You know the other thing they
never say is, "Right, well,
we'd better make a move.

64
00:04:00,760 --> 00:04:04,560
"I want to get back in daylight,
we'd better make a move".

65
00:04:04,560 --> 00:04:07,080
"To bed. Tomorrow we rise.

66
00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:08,680
"We leave at ten-ish."

67
00:04:08,680 --> 00:04:13,280
"But now, to bed, unless
you are one of those people, like me,

68
00:04:13,280 --> 00:04:20,400
"who finds it very hard to get off
after he's eaten cheese, in which
case stay awhile by the fire,

69
00:04:20,400 --> 00:04:27,480
"talk of battles past and old
and then and only then, sire,
go thee to bed."

70
00:04:27,480 --> 00:04:31,720
"And sleep well." "Sleep the
sleep of a thousand martyrs".

71
00:04:31,720 --> 00:04:34,840
"Sleep well, my brother".
"Sleep well, my sister.

72
00:04:34,840 --> 00:04:37,200
"Sleep with my sister!"

73
00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:40,960
"Sleep well my brother, sleep
well my sister, but do not
sleep with my sister."

74
00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:44,440
"Leave my sister out of it, all
right?" "Leave my sister alone."

75
00:04:44,440 --> 00:04:50,160
"Don't touch her." Gentlemen, to bed,
for at daybreak I will..."

76
00:04:50,160 --> 00:04:52,360
Breakfast. "We will breakfast".

77
00:04:52,360 --> 00:04:55,280
"Sire, sire... Yes.
'tis a continental breakfast.

78
00:04:55,280 --> 00:04:57,880
"Twill only take 20 minutes max.

79
00:04:57,880 --> 00:04:59,720
"Thank you, Brother Rob."

80
00:04:59,720 --> 00:05:02,800
Brother Rob? Don't call me
Brother Rob. I'd be Brother Jed.

81
00:05:02,800 --> 00:05:05,320
Course, you won't. No, no,
no, no, in Rob Roy...

82
00:05:05,320 --> 00:05:08,120
Liam Neeson in a kilt.
Of course you could be called Rob.

83
00:05:08,120 --> 00:05:11,200
SCOTTISH ACCENT: "Tomorrow
we shall have breakfast.

84
00:05:11,200 --> 00:05:15,040
"We shall rise at nine and
we shall head off tomorrow morning."

85
00:05:15,040 --> 00:05:18,360
"Thank you, Brother Rob,
and let me say this...

86
00:05:18,360 --> 00:05:20,200
"Look into my eyes...

87
00:05:20,200 --> 00:05:25,280
"You are my brother and you sound
a bit like Billy Connolly."

88
00:05:25,280 --> 00:05:28,960
AS CONNOLLY: I know. I know.
I can't help it.

89
00:05:28,960 --> 00:05:32,080
AS CONNOLLY: "Gentlemen, to bed,
for tomorrow we rise at daybreak."

90
00:05:32,080 --> 00:05:33,800
"We rise at daybreak."

91
00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:37,720
Why do they do that?
They always rise at daybreak.

92
00:05:39,560 --> 00:05:44,160
THEY SING

93
00:05:44,160 --> 00:05:45,360
Bah-bah-bah-do

94
00:05:45,360 --> 00:05:48,400
Ba-bop-be-doo
La-la-la-la

95
00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:52,160
Bop-be-do-be-do-bah-bah-bah

96
00:05:52,160 --> 00:05:54,400
Bah-bah-bah

97
00:05:54,400 --> 00:05:58,400
THEY CONTINUE TO SING

98
00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:07,040
Their expressions would really
match their kind of "do-be-do bo
ba da wah wah..." Yeah.

99
00:06:07,040 --> 00:06:08,720
Big open happy faces.

100
00:06:10,280 --> 00:06:13,880
It was nice.
A very uncynical kind of music.

101
00:06:13,880 --> 00:06:16,760
I miss it, I really miss it.

102
00:06:24,720 --> 00:06:27,480
Hello. Hey, are you all right? Yes.

103
00:06:27,480 --> 00:06:30,360
This is Yolanda, the photographer.
Hello, Yolanda.

104
00:06:30,360 --> 00:06:35,360
And Rob, this is Yolanda. Hi.
Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.

105
00:06:35,360 --> 00:06:39,200
Hiya... Hi. How are you, all right?
I'm very good. Are you all right?

106
00:06:39,200 --> 00:06:43,880
Don't do that. Oh. That's very
funny, yeah. There's been none of
that on the trip.

107
00:06:43,880 --> 00:06:45,920
Heavy petting. Heavy petting, but...

108
00:06:45,920 --> 00:06:48,000
We draw the line. Yes.
Pass the time somehow.

109
00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:51,200
Yes, but no penetration. Very good.

110
00:06:51,200 --> 00:06:53,880
OK, it's just up here. OK.

111
00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:56,720
And I've looked at all
the rooms and yours is the nicest.

112
00:06:56,720 --> 00:06:59,560
Good, good. Yes. What's...

113
00:06:59,560 --> 00:07:01,760
What's Rob's room like?
It's nice, it's nice.

114
00:07:01,760 --> 00:07:04,240
It's not as big as yours,
but yeah...

115
00:07:04,240 --> 00:07:06,320
Great. There you go.

116
00:07:06,320 --> 00:07:10,040
Oh, very nice.
All right, isn't it? Very beige.

117
00:07:10,040 --> 00:07:15,240
The bathroom's through there,
there's like a little study area
and yeah, it's all right.

118
00:07:15,240 --> 00:07:16,760
Great, great. Right.

119
00:07:19,320 --> 00:07:22,840
Listen, have I met Yolanda before?

120
00:07:22,840 --> 00:07:25,960
I don't know.
Maybe before my time, maybe?

121
00:07:25,960 --> 00:07:28,040
We need to get some sort of
a system going

122
00:07:28,040 --> 00:07:30,880
about who I've met before,
and who I haven't because... Right.

123
00:07:30,880 --> 00:07:34,440
They remember meeting me
so it can get embarrassing.

124
00:07:34,440 --> 00:07:37,000
Do you want me to ask her?
No, don't ask her. OK.

125
00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:41,840
Just see if she mentions anything.
Right, OK.

126
00:07:41,840 --> 00:07:44,560
So, is this all right? Look OK?

127
00:07:44,560 --> 00:07:47,440
Yeah, you look nice. You look like
that guy off Top Gear.

128
00:07:47,440 --> 00:07:51,280
What? What, Jeremy Clarkson?
No, no, no, the other one.

129
00:07:51,280 --> 00:07:55,160
What, Richard Hammond? Yeah, yeah.
That's worse. Well...

130
00:08:10,640 --> 00:08:13,520
Check on table four.

131
00:08:13,520 --> 00:08:17,080
One goat's cheese, one brie.

132
00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:20,360
Just got a little
amuse-bouche for you to start.

133
00:08:20,360 --> 00:08:24,040
I didn't know what an amuse-bouche
was until I started doing this.

134
00:08:25,280 --> 00:08:29,560
Why have you changed?
You've changed, haven't you?
Yeah. Yeah, well, I wasn't...

135
00:08:29,560 --> 00:08:31,440
I thought it was good.

136
00:08:31,440 --> 00:08:35,000
Really? You looked like
Richard Hammond from Top Gear.

137
00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:37,200
Have you been talking to him?
I didn't say a word.

138
00:08:37,200 --> 00:08:39,600
I prefer those colours
for the picture.

139
00:08:39,600 --> 00:08:42,440
The shirt was trying too hard.
Like Richard Hammond.

140
00:08:44,440 --> 00:08:47,840
One pig's cheek, one scallop,
followed by halibut and a chicken.

141
00:08:49,720 --> 00:08:54,440
We've got some seared pan-fried
scallops with roast
cauliflower puree,

142
00:08:54,440 --> 00:08:56,560
pickled cauliflower
and caper and mushroom.

143
00:08:56,560 --> 00:08:58,760
Thank you very much. It looks lovely.

144
00:08:58,760 --> 00:09:04,280
It does. Before we start, can I just
say, I'm undecided on the froth.

145
00:09:04,280 --> 00:09:06,600
I... Have you had a lot of froth?

146
00:09:06,600 --> 00:09:09,240
Well, his life is full of it!

147
00:09:09,240 --> 00:09:11,200
I've built a career of it. Right.

148
00:09:11,200 --> 00:09:12,720
It's part of the zeitgeist.

149
00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:14,840
Yeah. The culinary zeitgeist.

150
00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:20,560
It's good. It's nice. Delicious.

151
00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:26,720
So how has the trip been so far?
Rob?

152
00:09:26,720 --> 00:09:31,800
AS RONNIE CORBETT: I can honestly say
it's one of the most enjoyable
periods of my life.

153
00:09:31,800 --> 00:09:36,600
Yolanda, you know who that is?
No, I don't.

154
00:09:37,840 --> 00:09:42,160
You see, ah well, she wouldn't
because she's from another country.

155
00:09:42,160 --> 00:09:45,280
I don't either.
Of course you know who it is!

156
00:09:45,280 --> 00:09:46,920
And under 35!

157
00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:50,200
I don't mind you not knowing it...

158
00:09:50,200 --> 00:09:54,120
I'll never forget the day,
there I was with Ronnie Barker...

159
00:09:54,120 --> 00:09:56,400
Oh, OK. Only because you said
Ronnie Barker...

160
00:09:56,400 --> 00:09:59,440
Who is it? Ronnie Corbett.

161
00:09:59,440 --> 00:10:03,640
Oh, OK. Is that the man that
does this dancing programme?

162
00:10:03,640 --> 00:10:06,720
AS FORSYTH: No, it's not the one
that does the dancing programme.

163
00:10:06,720 --> 00:10:08,400
That's Bruce Forsyth.

164
00:10:08,400 --> 00:10:13,280
That's the one that does the dancing.
That was lovely, my love, we liked
it, that was my favourite.

165
00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:20,200
OK, ready, who's this?
AS TONIOLI: I love it. It was fast,
it was furious, it was sexy.

166
00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:21,760
Nine!

167
00:10:21,760 --> 00:10:23,880
Now I don't even know what you
were doing.

168
00:10:23,880 --> 00:10:25,400
Know who it is? No.

169
00:10:25,400 --> 00:10:27,000
Mr Bruno Tonioli.

170
00:10:27,000 --> 00:10:30,000
I used to work with him. Did you?
He taught me how to walk
like a woman.

171
00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:35,080
He said, "Steve, you've got
the technique, I want you to walk
and forget all I've told you,

172
00:10:35,080 --> 00:10:39,400
"just walk along and I want you
to think to yourself,
'I want you to fuck me'".

173
00:10:39,400 --> 00:10:41,080
And then he said, "I'll be back".

174
00:10:41,080 --> 00:10:44,600
Because you were doing
Arnold Schwarzenegger. Right, oh.

175
00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:48,040
I want you to dance like you mean it.

176
00:10:48,040 --> 00:10:54,680
Last week, I love your dance, but
this week it's all over the place.

177
00:10:54,680 --> 00:10:57,640
Three. Come to California.

178
00:10:57,640 --> 00:10:59,520
Oh.

179
00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:09,840
OK, who's this? She was only...
She was only 15 years old.

180
00:11:09,840 --> 00:11:15,360
She was only 15 years old,
she was only 15 years - listen

181
00:11:15,360 --> 00:11:18,560
to the sound of the voice. I'll
give you a clue, it's not a Muppet.

182
00:11:18,560 --> 00:11:20,640
That's all I'm saying.

183
00:11:20,640 --> 00:11:25,440
She was only 15 years old. You're
a big man but you're out of shape.

184
00:11:25,440 --> 00:11:30,480
Right, but nowadays his...
This is how he sounds now,
the voice has gone.

185
00:11:30,480 --> 00:11:33,040
Shall I prepare the Batmobile,
Master Wayne?

186
00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:34,920
That is how he talks now.

187
00:11:34,920 --> 00:11:38,760
I've just been to do an Italian Job
with Hannah and her Sisters.

188
00:11:38,760 --> 00:11:44,840
On the way, I had a bit of a Zulu,
so I had to pop to the loo
and then, then,

189
00:11:44,840 --> 00:11:46,920
I, I...

190
00:11:46,920 --> 00:11:50,880
Not a lot of people know - you know
that? It sounds so familiar...

191
00:11:50,880 --> 00:11:54,640
He's an international star. 
The thing is, is it an actor?

192
00:11:54,640 --> 00:11:57,960
Yes. No, he's the man who
comes and does my boiler(!)

193
00:11:57,960 --> 00:12:01,840
Yes, he's an actor. He might as well
be the guy that comes and does
your boiler!

194
00:12:01,840 --> 00:12:05,720
No, because if he is an actor,
in Spain they dub the films,
so I really... Oh.

195
00:12:05,720 --> 00:12:08,800
Are they? OK.
What, they dub the films?

196
00:12:10,080 --> 00:12:12,360
WITH SPANISH ACCENT:
Here we go...

197
00:12:12,360 --> 00:12:16,360
Not a lot of people...
That's not my accent!

198
00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:19,120
No, it's not.
No, no, it's a rough approximation.

199
00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:23,560
Do you like that racist generalised
interpretation of Spanish?

200
00:12:23,560 --> 00:12:25,960
Oh, that is not racist!
You're such an arse!

201
00:12:25,960 --> 00:12:28,240
Right, ready, here's a clue.

202
00:12:28,240 --> 00:12:31,360
My name is Michael Caine.
Oh, OK. Who is it?

203
00:12:31,360 --> 00:12:33,120
Oh, my, yes, it's Michael Caine.

204
00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:35,920
Michael Caine!
Hooray! Wow, yes. Yes.

205
00:12:35,920 --> 00:12:42,040
Rob's was a very entertaining
version but I don't think, I don't
think it was as accurate as mine.

206
00:12:43,560 --> 00:12:48,240
She was only 15, she was only
15 years old. You're getting
Michael Cained on stereo.

207
00:12:48,240 --> 00:12:49,880
She was only 15 years old.

208
00:12:49,880 --> 00:12:54,280
You're only supposed to
blow the bloody doors off.

209
00:12:54,280 --> 00:12:58,240
She was only 15 years old.

210
00:12:58,240 --> 00:13:01,360
Oh, my God.
Yeah, I do recognise him now.

211
00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:05,120
Excellent, let's move on. Good.

212
00:13:05,120 --> 00:13:08,040
Where's that halibut garnish?

213
00:13:11,720 --> 00:13:13,640
So you're Spanish, Yolanda? Yeah.

214
00:13:13,640 --> 00:13:18,040
Where in Spain? La Mancha.
Oh. Oh, man of La Mancha.

215
00:13:18,040 --> 00:13:19,720
A woman of La Mancha. Yeah.

216
00:13:19,720 --> 00:13:21,440
Photographer of La Mancha.

217
00:13:21,440 --> 00:13:23,160
That's right.

218
00:13:23,160 --> 00:13:29,360
Who's this... Whaddaya ya got?
Whaddaya ya got?

219
00:13:29,360 --> 00:13:34,160
I'm in the dark, every day.
Who's that?

220
00:13:34,160 --> 00:13:39,680
I don't know. Is there a condition
in Spain of autistic impressionist?

221
00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:43,840
Right, mains away. Four halibut.

222
00:13:50,040 --> 00:13:53,080
For this next course for you
we've got the wild fillet

223
00:13:53,080 --> 00:13:57,320
of halibut with potato espuma,
mussel chowder and some mussels.

224
00:13:57,320 --> 00:13:58,880
Thank you very much.

225
00:13:58,880 --> 00:14:04,880
Takes a very confident
restaurant to serve a dish
that has the word spew in it.

226
00:14:04,880 --> 00:14:11,760
Yeah. "Then we have a vomit of
vegetables." The word drizzle I
always find slightly disconcerting.

227
00:14:11,760 --> 00:14:16,840
Mmm, yes. Yolanda, do you think
you'll take the photographs round
the table or...?

228
00:14:16,840 --> 00:14:18,640
Yeah, I thought so. Yeah?

229
00:14:18,640 --> 00:14:21,280
Are you going to pretend
you're with Mischa?

230
00:14:21,280 --> 00:14:23,800
Well, no, I can't do that,
she's not here so...

231
00:14:23,800 --> 00:14:26,480
If you want me to be in the photos,
I'm quite happy to.

232
00:14:26,480 --> 00:14:30,360
You'll look like you're
eating on your own.

233
00:14:30,360 --> 00:14:32,040
It would look strange.

234
00:14:32,040 --> 00:14:36,720
I'm worried about the Rob
thing, either A, if I'm with Rob,
they'll think there's some...

235
00:14:36,720 --> 00:14:41,480
Homosexuality. Homosexuality.
I think you're safe.

236
00:14:41,480 --> 00:14:45,680
The other issue is it's like kind
of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum.

237
00:14:45,680 --> 00:14:49,680
He very much shies away from us ever
being thought of as a double act.

238
00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:51,600
Talking about the work, how is

239
00:14:51,600 --> 00:14:56,280
the writing going?
Well, it's... He's not writing
it in the traditional sense.

240
00:14:56,280 --> 00:14:59,640
Rob's helping.
My secretarial skills.

241
00:14:59,640 --> 00:15:02,200
You're writing as well, though,
aren't you?

242
00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:04,960
Well... That's a no. Yeah, no.

243
00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:10,200
You could use Boswell and Johnson
as your role models. Yes.

244
00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:13,520
Yeah, they did a tour of
the Hebrides together.
Mmm-hmm.

245
00:15:13,520 --> 00:15:16,920
Johnson said funny things
and Boswell wrote them down.
Who's who?

246
00:15:16,920 --> 00:15:19,720
Well, who's done more of
the writing?

247
00:15:19,720 --> 00:15:22,880
C'est moi.
OK. So I'd be Johnson.

248
00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:27,240
I've also, though, said a high
percentage of the funny things.

249
00:15:27,240 --> 00:15:31,200
To be Johnson requires a certain
levity, an air of academia... Ah.

250
00:15:31,200 --> 00:15:34,920
...that you would not be able to,
with the greatest respect, fulfil.

251
00:15:34,920 --> 00:15:37,800
Steve's reference to my five
O-Levels. Is that all you got?

252
00:15:37,800 --> 00:15:41,680
Two the first time. Took me another
two years to get up to five.

253
00:15:41,680 --> 00:15:44,920
Do you know what? That's
the missing piece of the jigsaw.

254
00:15:44,920 --> 00:15:47,520
Now it all makes sense.
How many did you get?

255
00:15:47,520 --> 00:15:49,160
Well, yeah, nine.

256
00:15:49,160 --> 00:15:50,680
That's pretty average.

257
00:15:50,680 --> 00:15:53,440
Yeah,  I know it's average,
but you're well below.

258
00:15:53,440 --> 00:16:01,480
Many, many great creative minds,
though I say it myself,
were very poor academically.

259
00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:05,200
Anthony Hopkins, "The teacher
would say 'two and two is four,'

260
00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:09,200
"it was like a foreign language."
I'm doing Anthony Hopkins.

261
00:16:09,200 --> 00:16:13,760
He has to announce them now
because she's not going
to recognise any of them!

262
00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:17,360
Five minutes. Four venison gourmand.

263
00:16:20,560 --> 00:16:24,360
Thank you. Thanks.
Thank you very much.
That's your main course for you.

264
00:16:24,360 --> 00:16:26,600
We've got a roast saddle of venison

265
00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:30,560
with some wild mushrooms, a parsnip
puree and some creamed cabbage.

266
00:16:30,560 --> 00:16:32,160
Lovely, thanks. Thank you.

267
00:16:33,680 --> 00:16:37,360
You could also be a modern day Don
Quixote, wandering around the north

268
00:16:37,360 --> 00:16:40,920
of England, tilting at restaurants.
Yeah, chasing sheep.

269
00:16:40,920 --> 00:16:42,760
Rescuing maidens.

270
00:16:42,760 --> 00:16:45,440
Rescuing maidens from sheep.

271
00:16:45,440 --> 00:16:47,040
Rescuing sheep from Rob.

272
00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:48,960
It's because I'm Welsh, you see.
Yeah. Yes.

273
00:16:48,960 --> 00:16:52,120
It's not racist when he does it,
that's the beauty of it.

274
00:16:52,120 --> 00:16:54,800
If I go "tha-tha-tha," that's racist,

275
00:16:54,800 --> 00:16:59,720
but if Steve talks about Welsh people
shagging sheep, it's just nice.

276
00:16:59,720 --> 00:17:03,120
Rob could be your Sancho Panza. 
He was the servant though.

277
00:17:03,120 --> 00:17:04,920
Yeah. Wasn't he?

278
00:17:04,920 --> 00:17:09,600
No, he was with his friend who took
care of him, made sure he didn't
get into trouble.

279
00:17:09,600 --> 00:17:14,160
That's more her job.
Yeah, that is more me, really.

280
00:17:14,160 --> 00:17:18,040
So if I could just
introduce the cheese for you. 
Please do(!)

281
00:17:18,040 --> 00:17:19,720
Hello. Hello!

282
00:17:19,720 --> 00:17:23,280
I would suggest you start off
with the Wigmore

283
00:17:23,280 --> 00:17:25,520
which is a ewe's milk cheese from...

284
00:17:25,520 --> 00:17:28,120
Are you saying we have to
eat them in this order? Why?

285
00:17:28,120 --> 00:17:30,560
Not necessarily, it's just
a suggestion. Oh, OK.

286
00:17:30,560 --> 00:17:33,200
If you eat a strong cheese
before a mild cheese,

287
00:17:33,200 --> 00:17:36,200
you can't quite appreciate
the flavour of the mild cheese.

288
00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:38,520
That would be accurate. 
Thank you very much.

289
00:17:38,520 --> 00:17:40,920
Do you have much cheese in Spain?

290
00:17:40,920 --> 00:17:43,240
Where do the Spanish stand on cheese?

291
00:17:43,240 --> 00:17:48,840
We have lots of cheese. We have
Manchego cheese, which is...
Pardon? Manchego cheese.

292
00:17:48,840 --> 00:17:51,000
Manchego cheese.
Which is the most famous.

293
00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:55,760
Sounds like an actor.
Antonio Banderas and Manchego Cheese
in The Assassin.

294
00:17:55,760 --> 00:17:59,800
I think if you had a Spanish accent,
you would be Manchego Cheese.

295
00:17:59,800 --> 00:18:01,840
"Welcome, Manchego."
"It is good to be here.

296
00:18:01,840 --> 00:18:06,080
You know, for me, I make a lot
of comedies but now I like
to do a little bit of drama.

297
00:18:06,080 --> 00:18:09,960
I said to myself, "Manchego Cheese,
what are you doing with your life?

298
00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:14,520
"I talked to Antonio Banderas,
he talk to me, he said, 'Manchego,

299
00:18:14,520 --> 00:18:18,480
"'Manchego, we like your comedy,
Manchego, we love the cheese'".

300
00:18:23,880 --> 00:18:26,480
That looks absolutely wonderful.

301
00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:29,040
Oh, wow, thank you very much.
The rhubarb's very pink.

302
00:18:29,040 --> 00:18:30,680
Yeah, it is.

303
00:18:30,680 --> 00:18:34,120
Sometimes it's a big green.
It looks like they've dyed it.

304
00:18:34,120 --> 00:18:37,200
Yeah, they've gone...
It's like a crab stick.

305
00:18:40,120 --> 00:18:43,600
Do you know what tells you
this is good? We're not talking.

306
00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:46,320
No, that's true.
Yes, that's true. Yes, yes. Yes.

307
00:18:46,320 --> 00:18:49,040
You should eat this more often, Rob!

308
00:18:49,040 --> 00:18:53,120
I was thinking, I could take
the photographs up in the hills.

309
00:18:53,120 --> 00:18:55,200
I saw a place when I was coming,
very nice.

310
00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:56,880
OK, yes, sort of lone walker? OK.

311
00:18:56,880 --> 00:18:58,680
"I wandered lonely as a cloud."

312
00:18:58,680 --> 00:19:01,040
Yeah, although it sounds
a bit like I'm lonely.

313
00:19:01,040 --> 00:19:03,760
Are you going to change your clothes?

314
00:19:03,760 --> 00:19:06,800
Again. Well, actually, um...
I wouldn't wear that on the hills.

315
00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:11,760
I've got proper walking gear.
I've got, you know, crampons...

316
00:19:11,760 --> 00:19:16,760
AS ALAN PARTRIDGE:
I like to go for a nice ramble...

317
00:19:16,760 --> 00:19:19,440
Lynn, Lynn, where are my crampons?

318
00:19:19,440 --> 00:19:22,400
Why have you brought tampons?
That's not what I said!

319
00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:26,760
No, you fool, crampons.

320
00:19:26,760 --> 00:19:30,400
That's good. You could have written
for the show,

321
00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:33,880
because it's so up there
with your best stuff(!)

322
00:19:33,880 --> 00:19:37,960
I'd love to quote your stuff back at
you, but I just don't know any. No.

323
00:19:37,960 --> 00:19:40,720
Odd, because you were executive
producer on a lot of it.

324
00:19:40,720 --> 00:19:43,840
And I still don't know any. You
never were that attentive at work!

325
00:19:50,680 --> 00:19:53,760
So this is it,
it's kind of, you know...

326
00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:57,240
Nice. Yes, whatever. It's creamy.

327
00:19:57,240 --> 00:20:00,200
If you like cream,
then you'll be happy.

328
00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:03,440
OK, there's just a little
seating area there and... Mm-hmm.

329
00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:06,000
Bathroom.
Wow. It's very nice.

330
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:08,040
Don't know why I'm telling you.

331
00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:11,040
Petit fours.
Why are they called petit fours?

332
00:20:11,040 --> 00:20:14,600
Little oven.
Fours is French for oven. Ah.

333
00:20:14,600 --> 00:20:19,000
Yolanda...
Have we met before?

334
00:20:19,000 --> 00:20:25,280
Yes, we have. Oh, OK.
It was five years ago,
it was for a shoot for Time Out.

335
00:20:25,280 --> 00:20:28,920
Right, and did we do
something afterwards?

336
00:20:28,920 --> 00:20:30,760
Yes, we did. OK.

337
00:20:30,760 --> 00:20:32,840
You don't remember?

338
00:20:32,840 --> 00:20:35,800
No, I do remember. How are you?

339
00:20:35,800 --> 00:20:42,320
I'm OK, I'm fine, yeah. Right, good.
Listen, I think I'm going to have
a line. Do you want one?

340
00:20:42,320 --> 00:20:46,400
Er, coke? Yeah. No, no, no. 
Do you mind if I do?

341
00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:47,880
Oh, no, oh, no, please. OK.

342
00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:50,680
There's a bathroom there
with lots of marble.

343
00:20:50,680 --> 00:20:53,440
OK, all right. Thank you.

344
00:20:53,440 --> 00:20:55,000
They're picking clothes.

345
00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:58,200
He's probably wearing
the crampons now, halfway up.

346
00:20:58,200 --> 00:20:59,800
He's up the side of the wardrobe.

347
00:20:59,800 --> 00:21:02,120
"What do you think?

348
00:21:02,120 --> 00:21:06,800
"Does this look good?" Like Tom
Cruise in Mission Impossible 2.

349
00:21:14,880 --> 00:21:17,200
Yolanda? Mm-hmm?

350
00:21:17,200 --> 00:21:19,680
I mean, this is kind of outdoorsy...

351
00:21:19,680 --> 00:21:21,960
Little bit of the Shackleton thing.

352
00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:25,960
It's a bit too bright. This is what
I would wear if I was genuinely
out walking.

353
00:21:25,960 --> 00:21:29,640
OK. The red's just for
safety reasons, you know? Mmm.

354
00:21:29,640 --> 00:21:32,960
But I've got darker stuff,
that's fine.

355
00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:37,160
OK. You're sure you don't
want one? No.

356
00:21:39,600 --> 00:21:43,520
No. No.

357
00:21:43,520 --> 00:21:45,200
Are you sad not to be
in the picture?

358
00:21:45,200 --> 00:21:49,720
Tiny bit hurt that he didn't
want me to, but I'm only saying
that because it's you. Yeah.

359
00:21:49,720 --> 00:21:53,560
I'm not at a level that
any human could notice.

360
00:21:53,560 --> 00:21:56,040
Only dogs could detect my hurt.

361
00:21:56,040 --> 00:21:57,720
Dogs like me.

362
00:21:57,720 --> 00:21:59,600
Yes and you're not...

363
00:21:59,600 --> 00:22:03,240
AS HUGH GRANT: If you were a dog,
then I should be very happy

364
00:22:03,240 --> 00:22:06,960
for you to, gosh, to curl up
in my basket and chew my bone.

365
00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:11,440
That sounds, yeah, sorry.

366
00:22:11,440 --> 00:22:13,080
It's all right.

367
00:22:13,080 --> 00:22:15,840
A rather clumsy invitation to, uh...
Yes.

368
00:22:15,840 --> 00:22:17,960
Where's Elizabeth when you need her?

369
00:22:20,720 --> 00:22:24,840
Yeah. That's nice.
Casual but elegant. Good, suits you.

370
00:22:24,840 --> 00:22:28,480
Great. Yeah, I like this,
by the way, this... Oh, thank you.

371
00:22:28,480 --> 00:22:31,280
Fish. Nice. Fish. I love fish.

372
00:22:31,280 --> 00:22:33,920
Good. Um...

373
00:22:33,920 --> 00:22:36,200
Was that the last of the coke?

374
00:22:36,200 --> 00:22:38,600
No, it wasn't. I've got some more.

375
00:22:38,600 --> 00:22:40,560
Mmm.

376
00:22:40,560 --> 00:22:44,160
If you want to?
No, I don't want any, just want
to know that there's...

377
00:22:44,160 --> 00:22:49,680
Just want to, just...
just information. OK, great.

378
00:22:54,240 --> 00:22:57,600
Think it would be nice with
the mountains behind you and...

379
00:22:57,600 --> 00:22:59,840
Yeah, what about the viaduct?

380
00:22:59,840 --> 00:23:03,480
That's beautiful.
That's Victorian engineering, that.

381
00:23:03,480 --> 00:23:09,200
I think the pork belly made
me a little...um... Amorous.

382
00:23:09,200 --> 00:23:10,800
Did it? Yeah.

383
00:23:10,800 --> 00:23:13,040
Pork belly will do that.
Pork will do that to you.

384
00:23:13,040 --> 00:23:16,680
AS HUGH GRANT: I shan't start doing
that voice again,

385
00:23:16,680 --> 00:23:20,240
or that's where we...
That's where trouble... Yeah.

386
00:23:20,240 --> 00:23:22,800
Don't, because then I'll pull
out my terrible Liz Hurley.

387
00:23:22,800 --> 00:23:27,560
"Oh, Hugh." Terrible, you see,
that's why I'm a PA.
It is terrible indeed, yes.

388
00:23:27,560 --> 00:23:31,960
It reminds me of the kind of place
where, like, Wuthering Heights.

389
00:23:31,960 --> 00:23:33,920
Oh, Wuthering Heights? Heathcliff.

390
00:23:33,920 --> 00:23:37,400
Yeah, no, no, that's not
far from here. Oh, really?

391
00:23:37,400 --> 00:23:39,640
Yeah, it's the Yorkshire Moors.

392
00:23:39,640 --> 00:23:42,640
That's, yeah, at a place
called Haworth, that's... Oh, OK.

393
00:23:42,640 --> 00:23:48,200
Wuthering Heights. So do you think
I could play Heathcliff? Definitely.

394
00:23:48,200 --> 00:23:51,280
Yeah. I'd have to be more like...

395
00:23:51,280 --> 00:23:55,080
I try to play, I think he's,
you know, he's interesting.
Very interesting.

396
00:23:55,080 --> 00:24:00,520
Kind of cruel. Mm-hmm. 
Cruel but...I don't know,
compelling, I guess.

397
00:24:00,520 --> 00:24:04,000
There is something
very attractive about him.

398
00:24:04,000 --> 00:24:08,560
Yeah. I think I'm a little old
to play him but I'd like to. 

399
00:24:08,560 --> 00:24:11,560
And there's the bill, please.
Thank you very much. Thank you.

400
00:24:13,720 --> 00:24:15,280
How much is it? Expensive?

401
00:24:16,800 --> 00:24:21,560
Good Lord, yeah.
Ah, well there's four of us, £388.50.

402
00:24:21,560 --> 00:24:23,520
That's four,
so what's that per person?

403
00:24:23,520 --> 00:24:25,680
Oh, that's just under
a hundred quid a head.

404
00:24:25,680 --> 00:24:27,720
A lot of money. It was nice, though.

405
00:24:27,720 --> 00:24:30,880
They've been quite a while
taking the photos, haven't they?

406
00:24:30,880 --> 00:24:33,200
Yes, yes.

407
00:24:33,200 --> 00:24:36,000
He'll probably be sucking in
his chin, I would imagine.

408
00:24:36,000 --> 00:24:38,520
He does this.
SHE LAUGHS

409
00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:42,400
What is it you're supposed to say
every time you have your photo
taken? Prunes.

410
00:24:42,400 --> 00:24:44,000
Prunes. Prunes.

411
00:24:44,000 --> 00:24:46,200
Yes, that's very Heathcliff.

412
00:24:47,720 --> 00:24:51,280
So this is OK? My chin's OK? Yeah,
your chin, it's absolutely fine.

413
00:24:51,280 --> 00:24:58,560
He's an odd man, isn't he? He's got
a big sense of fun when it comes
to trying to procure ladies.

414
00:24:58,560 --> 00:25:00,640
When we were at Whitewell... Yeah.

415
00:25:00,640 --> 00:25:03,160
He might have told you this,
he probably didn't.

416
00:25:03,160 --> 00:25:06,640
No. We ended up,
I ended up singing in the bar.

417
00:25:06,640 --> 00:25:09,120
I sang Delilah in the bar. Did you?

418
00:25:09,120 --> 00:25:12,960
Yes. I sang it rather well. I bet
you did. I'm sorry I wasn't there.

419
00:25:12,960 --> 00:25:16,480
♪ Saw the light on the night that 
I passed by her window, la la la. ♪

420
00:25:16,480 --> 00:25:20,360
HIS MOBILE RINGS
What's that? Sorry, can I take this?

421
00:25:20,360 --> 00:25:22,800
It's my American agent. Sure. Hello?

422
00:25:22,800 --> 00:25:25,560
'Ste-eve Coogan!

423
00:25:25,560 --> 00:25:27,160
'Hey, man.' Matt, how are you doing?

424
00:25:27,160 --> 00:25:32,360
'I'm doing good. What's the weather
like in Ste-eve Coogan land?'

425
00:25:32,360 --> 00:25:35,400
It's...frigging cold. 
'It's hot in Hollywoodland.'

426
00:25:35,400 --> 00:25:37,240
Yeah, I know, I wish I was.

427
00:25:37,240 --> 00:25:39,240
'Listen, listen, cut to the chase.

428
00:25:39,240 --> 00:25:43,560
'You have got co-lead in
a drama series. It's called,'

429
00:25:43,560 --> 00:25:47,880
let me give you the info here,
it's called,

430
00:25:47,880 --> 00:25:50,840
yes, it's called Pathological, OK?

431
00:25:50,840 --> 00:25:54,600
You play a pathologist,
so it's part of a pilot season,

432
00:25:54,600 --> 00:25:57,640
'you've got to be back here
for the pilot season in four weeks.'

433
00:25:57,640 --> 00:26:00,320
It's a seven year commitment
if it goes.

434
00:26:00,320 --> 00:26:04,160
So if they pick it up,
I've got to do seven years?

435
00:26:04,160 --> 00:26:07,280
'If it goes, it's seven years. If
it goes, you're a household name.'

436
00:26:07,280 --> 00:26:09,960
He was being the mystery man.

437
00:26:09,960 --> 00:26:11,800
Ah. That's what he does.

438
00:26:11,800 --> 00:26:13,880
Do you know about this, yes?

439
00:26:13,880 --> 00:26:18,840
He likes to send me forward and
then he holds back as the mystery man

440
00:26:18,840 --> 00:26:22,880
and what happens is they wonder
what he's like.

441
00:26:22,880 --> 00:26:29,480
Was that good news? Kind of. They've
offered me a lead in a drama.

442
00:26:29,480 --> 00:26:33,240
Oh, wow! It's nice to, you know,
get an offer like that.

443
00:26:33,240 --> 00:26:35,960
Absolutely. That's just fantastic.

444
00:26:35,960 --> 00:26:38,240
I'm just worried,
my chin's OK, right?

445
00:26:38,240 --> 00:26:39,880
Your chin is absolutely fine.

446
00:26:39,880 --> 00:26:44,320
♪ She stood there laughing

447
00:26:44,320 --> 00:26:47,000
♪ I felt the knife in my hand

448
00:26:47,000 --> 00:26:52,240
♪ And she laughed no mo-r-r-r-re

449
00:26:52,240 --> 00:26:58,000
♪ My, my, my Delilah

450
00:26:58,000 --> 00:27:04,040
♪ Why, why, why Delilah?

451
00:27:04,040 --> 00:27:07,760
♪ So before they... ♪

452
00:27:07,760 --> 00:27:12,200
It's awkward, isn't it?
Oh, I misjudged it twice.

453
00:27:13,000 --> 00:27:15,480
Just a smidge. Yeah, sorry.
No, it's...

454
00:27:15,480 --> 00:27:18,640
No, I thought I was, I could
have sworn I was getting a signal.

455
00:27:18,640 --> 00:27:23,920
Oh, don't pat me on the shoulder,
that makes it worse. You're
doing it again, you're patting.

456
00:27:23,920 --> 00:27:29,440
Ah, this, I really don't know how
to go from here to sitting back down.

457
00:27:29,440 --> 00:27:32,000
Just like a plaster, off.
Look at that.

458
00:27:32,000 --> 00:27:34,520
Oh.

459
00:27:34,520 --> 00:27:36,960
I wonder where Steve is.

460
00:27:36,960 --> 00:27:42,400
It's beautiful.
You know, if you ever want to see
the Bronte sisters' house...

461
00:27:42,400 --> 00:27:44,640
Uh-huh.

462
00:27:44,640 --> 00:27:46,840
...it's not so far.

463
00:27:46,840 --> 00:27:49,480
If you want to go visit,
I'll take you there.

464
00:27:49,480 --> 00:27:51,360
Oh, thank you.

465
00:28:00,080 --> 00:28:04,800
Subtitles by Red Bee Media

466
00:28:04,800 --> 00:28:08,920
E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk